the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
