Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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