i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
