I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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