cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
