if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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