Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
