I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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