I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
