Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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