He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
