when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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