I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
