I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
