get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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