I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
