i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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