You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The chlamydia really affected his face.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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