we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
