My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
it's like heaven, but drunker
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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