And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
