i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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