Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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