people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
We are all done wearing pants today
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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