Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
