Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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