____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
