Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
