I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
