Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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