Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
