Your dad touched me again.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
