i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
