She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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