Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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