If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
