proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize