i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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