I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
