the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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