Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
