she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
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You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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