Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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