I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
