Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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