At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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