Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
