Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
