just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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