i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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