im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
