he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
