I've blown a few things in my day
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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