sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
