i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
