Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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