Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
