and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize