It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
