You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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