The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My balls are so social today.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
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Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
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Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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